( photos from Thursday )

Date:	2005-09-22 16:48
Subject:	Happy Birthday, Brad
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful

I didn't want any half-hearted get-together with forced words or nostalgia running dry. So I left with a bike, a camera, and a notebook, and started in a cemetery. Not because his body is there (he believed that "all we are is dust... wonderful, beautiful dust," and would hate the idea of a permanent gravestone), but because it was the first place that called to me. Seemed appropriate because he appreciated the off-kilter, the taboo, and the morbid bits of beauty in life... and because I don't believe he was afraid of death, or at least not as much as most people.

I found two graves of people in their 20s who died earlier this year, and then cried at the grave of a 33-year-old father. It was surrounded by flowers, pinwheels, a toy car, a candlestick holder, a snow globe, and a jar filled with sand and a folded letter. I cried for the people left behind and mourning, the real victims of the (injustice / randomness / reminder) we call death.

And then I realized the irony. I was there in this cemetery on Brad's birthday, crying for other people who'd lost loved ones. I didn't cry for losing Brad, because I don't feel like he's gone. In some ways, I feel like he's always with me. I think of him almost every day; just a moment ago, I saw a statue and paused to appreciate it, because Brad was a sculptor and made me appreciate the artform. I think of him when I hear old folk music, drink whisky, read Milton, admire a painting, or go to Hell. I feel him comforting me, giving me courage, and reminding me of the basics.

It's not that I don't get sad when thinking about him. Sometimes I fantasize about him reappearing in my life, walking into the room with a big grin and twinkling eyes. Because I think of him now as a brotherly figure, I long for him to witness important moments in my life or give me advice. I want him to see how much I've changed -- for the better -- since we first knew each other, and I'm sad because I feel like we could have been much better friends now than we were before, because I finally understand where he was coming from in a lot of ways. And of course, I get pissed that he didn't get more time in life, especially when I remember things like his describing the house he wanted to build, or the adventures he wanted to have. I remember all the time he spent on a spiritual search and wonder where it got him in the end.

But I don't stay angry for long. Somehow every time, I get this feeling of certainty that Brad wouldn't dwell on what he didn't do. Maybe it's my human way of coping, but I can only picture him accepting the situation, and worrying more about those he left behind. Which is why I wanted today to be calm and mostly happy, for him. I aim to enjoy the simple things, as a way of honoring and remembering him. Happy birthday, brother. I can never give enough thanks for having you in my life.

3 lately that i've liked:

"Speak your mind, even if your voice trembles"

"Another dopeless hope fiend"

on a car with a "support our troops" yellow ribbon, "God bless America. God bless our enemies. May we all live in peace."

Date:	2005-08-19 21:35
Subject:	summer of firsts
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

--first "for real" camping trip
--first strip club
--first time being called "butch" (at least to my face)
--first gay club
--first time skinny-dipping in a public place
--first sex toy
--first watermelon-flavored milkshake

my life is headed in a strange direction

wanna join? ;)


---

ps
"unveiled" (known by something else in german) is an awesome movie -- probably ties with "girl, interrupted" for the best i've seen this year -- though "charlie and the chocolate factory" wins for best to see while high, and the extras on "the incredibles" are better than the movie itself

pps
my period key doesn't work

:: went to florida. came out to parents and brother. dad and brother said almost nothing, as expected. mother said far too much, as expected. mother's boyfriend decided to meddle two days after meeting me, leaving me with a not-so-good impression of him. i wouldn't have minded my mother's opinion and discussing with her, if i felt she was listening. ultimately she just wants me to be happy i suppose. am enjoying the freeness of not having to keep my sexuality or my girlfriend a secret any more.

highlights of florida trip: seeing kristen, and cissy finally, and my mom's cat, who still likes to sleep on my bed and curl up and demand attention from me, which of course i love. seeing a woman in the gay section of the sex shop (i.e., finding out i wasn't the only queer person in town). seeing a sign for free hot dogs at a home medical equipment supply store.

had two cloudy days at beach and drove back through the hurricane to an incredibly wonderful welcome-back night at the cuntry kings show and visions. saw people i knew at both places, making me happier.

:: work is good. am now bartending during day shifts, which is exciting. today was actually really busy for a tuesday, i got to make several fun drinks. i really appreciate my workplace.

:: have moved into new apartment with collin. am enjoying the location, not so much enjoying the moving process. it happened two weeks ago but i have yet to unpack much, leaving my life cluttered with boxes and duct tape. housewarming potluck monday night!

:: naomi and i continue to have strange experiences when we go out in public together.

:: new friends are fun, but alone time is needed as well, and old friends mustn't be forgotten.

am leaving for florida in the morning. it's generally stressful enough without having the intention to come out to my parents (and quite possibly, brother and uncle and thus extended family) while there. my new apartment is still a complete mess but i managed to pull out enough clothing to pack. hopefully it's clothing that will be comfortable for both me and my parents. found my driving music and a few cds to keep me sane while there. couldn't find the book i wanted to bring. shaved my armpits for the first time in months, now they feel all itchy. tomorrow morning will remove my rainbow necklace and the sticker on my car. just now realized i'll have to get directions when i get in town because i haven't been to my mom's new place. have pondered buying a pack of cigarrettes in case of emergency, since they are better than other self-destructive habits i have. am hoping that, in a week, all this worrying will seem completely silly.

so apparently someone had a camera at the cuntry kings show and there are some okay pictures of me on their website (third row down). kind of exciting and weird at the same time. this week has gone very well, i have hung out with some new people, which makes me happy, especially because they are lesbians, and there aren't many of those in my life (outside of work at least). sometimes i feel invisible, sometimes i feel glow-in-the-dark... both are uncomfortable but have their benefits. tara and jenn showed their love by saran-wrapping and decorating my car on my last night of work at the cedars, which made me feel really special. i don't think anyone at the dog would do that, but i still love working there and wouldn't give up pete as my manager for the world. i will be in florida june 5th through 11th. by that i mean i will be coming out to my parents sometime between june 5th and 11th. i cannot wait to get it over with so i will feel free to move on with my life, because i feel like that one thing is keeping this from being one of the most exciting times i've known, but of course i'm also not looking forward to the possible reactions i will get. that's all i can think to say right now, i'm exhausted.

Date:	2005-04-22 15:29
Subject:	on aunt flo
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

"There is one final alternative to the problem of PMS, one that is diametrically opposed to menstrual suppression. Rather than reduce or eliminate the menses, that visible sign of woman's otherness, we could instead psychologically embrace the blood that is ours, making of menstruation an affirmation instead of a denial... There are no studies, to our knowledge, of creativity or good works during the premenstruum... Tests, graphs, and questionnaires by the dozens have been designed to determine the extet of woman's incompetence. Now we need to measure a woman's premenstrual strength." -- from "The Curse: A Cultural History of Menstruation"

"There is something of unalterable value in woman's experience: the very cyclical motion of her body makes her life marked by upheaval, change and discharge. I am not willing to say that she is more vulnerable because of it, but that it is instead a source of potential strength; change need not stun her or threaten her, for she is in constant flux." --Nancy Milford

Date:	2005-04-11 15:45
Subject:	that's me in the corner
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

Saturday night, despite car troubles, was fucking awesome. I performed for the first time at a drag it in/drag it out show (show where anyone from the community can sign up to do drag, or any type of performance art). I was crazy nervous but it was kind of like skydiving... I knew I couldn't back down and once I got on stage I was all there, with plenty of intense emotion to make me shake but not nervousness. It wasn't a classic drag performance as much as an illustration of my coming out, set to "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. and complete with costume change at the climax of the song. I'm not really sure how the crowd reacted, they weren't my focus, but my friends say it went over well, and I did get a good amount of dollar bills thrown up on stage. My friends were fucking amazing, are fucking amazing, and I really really really appreciate how much everyone cared about being there and supported me, because it was a big deal and they knew that without me having to explain it to them.

Last night was my first night training at the Spotted Dog, a restaurant in Carrboro. I'm psyched about it. I thought my current boss, Tara, was mad but apparently she was just concerned and didn't want to talk to me until she knew how to express it well, and I super appreciate her caring about me. It is a job with less pay, or at least less stable pay, and no benefits, so yes that makes me nervous, but at this time in my life, I'm going to choose my job based not on how much I'll make but on the fact that the owners (though probably pains in the ass) are local, care about their employees, make all employees share in the work, treat all employees (including dishwashers etc) with respect, and, yes most of the employees and many of the patrons are queer, so that makes a huge, refreshing difference in the work environment for me.

Otherwise, I've been a little overwhelmed with emotions lately. But right now I have to get back to work.

Date:	2005-03-31 15:24
Subject:	this week so far
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

-: got in a car accident
+: i already had a crack in my bumper, now it will be fixed at someone else's expense (theoretically, i'm crossing my fingers)

-: rachel and i broke up
+: it was in a relatively good way and we went out drinking with friends afterward

-: a can of coke exploded in my freezer
+: less calories i'll consume by not drinking it?

-: as i was hungover at 6:30am this morning, i found notes from 2 people on my car saying i was an idiot and an asshole for my parking job
+: when i fell asleep with laundry in the dryer, someone took it out and folded it for me! (i don't even know the name of anyone in my apt building)

-: am supposed to be done with two articles by tomorrow; haven't started writing either
+: since the people i'm interviewing keep getting switched up, i will probably get an extension on one of them

-: again my mom is talking about needing to find me a boyfriend
+: my mom sent me easter chocolates

-: a woman ate work who i've waited on frequently over the last seven months still thinks i'm a guy
+: the spring flowers are blooming and it's pretty

i could say it's been a shitty week, but instead i'm trying to focus on the positive.

went to an AQUA Duke roller-skating event by myself tonight. it's awkward and embarrassing going to and event by yourself, especially when said event is sponsored by a group that's relatively small and tight-knit, but i was stressed out from work, needed to do some sort of physical activity, figured i'm never going to meet people if i don't try hard, and figured if it's their pride week, i should have enough pride in myself to go and hope they're welcoming. i'm sure lots of people realize they're gay/lesbian in the middle of bumfuck where there are no pride events or queer groups, so i should count myself lucky and do what i can. but anyway, i'm glad i went. i met some nice people, played limbo, roller-skated, and de-stressed.

sometimes the lesbian community can feel so stifling small. but then days like today i happen upon websites with all kinds of resources/books/etc that i had no idea existed, and it's like discovering a roomful of candy.

lately i'm feeling rather interested in learning and knowledge again, which is good, even if it is because i have realized how shamefully little i know.

i thought i was going to take that job at the VIF program, but just trying to figure out a start date proved there was far too much bureaucracy there for my taste, so i'm stuck with at the cedars for now. i am now more motivated to find a different job, however, after having a taste of what it would feel like to know i was leaving. still contemplating moving but realized i haven't been able to save much so that would be a bit difficult at the moment.

my brother apparently got his license suspended for five years, which most likely means he's going to lose his job, and as there is no public transportation in florida he may have to move to somewhere where he won't need to drive to work. my mother wants him to move in with me. err...the number of ways in which that would be awkward and weird are endless, but the fact that i'm not out to him has to top the list. and why does he have to go and stress out my parents and throw this big issue into the mix when i'm considering coming out to them?

Was impressed by the vigil last week. Good turnout, especially of people who wouldn't normally go to GLBTSA events. The chancellor spoke about the need for an open campus environment, and then later one of the organizers spoke and said to the chancellor basically, "well if you care so much you'll help us with the needs we're bringing up," and I thought both were appropriate. (Said needs included a petition for the entire UNC system to prohibit discrimination on gender identity and expression as well as sexual orientation -- right now some don't even include sexual orientation; since the vigil the administration has also returned to the 2002 report on the university's LGBT climate which is good.) The openly gay town council member spoke about how everyone's like, "Gosh, I can't believe this happened in Chapel Hill," and he's like, "Where the hell do you think you are?" since it's still hard for him to walk through the streets with his partner, sneaking into alleys to hug each other while the straight couple in front of them is kissing etc. A woman from the rape crisis center said their support line is open to anyone, not just rape survivors, which I didn't know, and she connected the violence of one and the other. Chase spoke to being grateful for being able to be shocked at the event, since that requires being able to imagine living in a place without violence, whereas people in other areas (such as Iraq) don't have that luxury... his argument sounded dubious at first but he did a good job of connecting violences worldwide. A couple people said they'd been giving similar speeches years ago at vigils for Matthew Shepard, which was sad, to still have to say the same things; one woman recounted a time she got attacked for being gay in downtown Chapel Hill about five (seven?) years ago. Three guys from Campus Crusade for Christ condemned the attack, which was unexpected (not that I thought they would agree with the attack; I just didn't expect them to be speaking at the vigil). Students from Duke and State were there, as were several video cameras from local news stations, and organizers circulated a petition for North Carolina's hate crimes law to include sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, and age. The DTH impressed me with their coverage of the event, because they included articles about the broader issues involved, while I was sorely disappointed with the coverage by the rest of the local media.

In other news, relationships are hard work. I have a sinus infection. And I had a second interview this morning at this place. They will probably call me within a couple days, at which point I should be ready to accept or decline the job if they offer it to me. Decisions are hard work. The job would be making a lot of travel arrangements for foreign teachers to come to the U.S. to teach for one to three years, and I would also help with events planning for orientation and training conferences and holiday parties and whatnot.

Pros:
- Having experience as an administrative assistant and with events planning would be good if I want a non-profit job.
- It would be more of a regular schedule than my current job, 8:30 - 5:30 with a few late nights and weekends, as opposed to working 6-7 nights a week and some mornings, with strange two hour breaks in the middle of the day. This would make it easier for me to fit exercise into my schedule, and to hang out with people.
- I'm getting tired of the bullshit at The Cedars.
- I'd get to meet lots of international people.
- Should be better pay.

Cons:
- I've been seriously considering moving someone far away, like England, which would have to wait until at least September if I took this job. Wintertime is not a fun time to move to England, methinks.
- Less flexibility with days off.
- The job could be boring, especially since it's in a cubicle in a larger room with three or four other people who are all at least a few years older than me with families.
- Making lots of travel arrangements could make me want to travel that much more.

Sigh. I'm going to go blow my nose for the millionth time this morning and lie down, maybe if I can get my sinuses clear everything else in my life will become clearer. Ha.

On a happy note, beautiful weather!!! Enjoyed time at the park yesterday with Rachel, it's been far too long since I spent that much time on the swings. :-)

Date:	2005-03-01 10:27
Subject:	unbelievable
Security:	Public
Mood:	infuriated

Okay now I'm really fucking pissed. I just found out that the hate crime laws at the federal level and for most states -- including North Carolina -- do not include crimes based on sexual orientation or gender identity, or disabilities for that matter. This is not by accident; the federal government and 25 states rejected the idea of including these factors in 1999. How the fuck are we supposed to stop shit like this from happening when the government is essentially saying, "It's okay, we don't really think it's a problem. Hell, we don't even like gay people. We're trying to get their rights taken away as we speak..."

Date:	2005-03-01 00:08
Subject:	i do this not for me alone.
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

( background )

While at work tonight, I read an article in the DTH that again brought me to tears, albeit more restrained ones this time because of my surroundings. It was about a hate crime that happened Thursday night at 2 a.m.: a UNC student is walking alone on Franklin Street and six or seven guys start calling him derogatory names about his sexuality and then start beating him up, breaking some of his bones. When the police arrived, they were gone, and there are no leads on the suspects. This happened somewhere in front of Top of the Hill (in front of the busiest intersection on the busiest stretch of Franklin Street) on a Thursday night (the biggest night for going out) at about 2 a.m. (when all the bars let out)... and there were NO witnesses, nevermind anyone to stop it from happening?

I cry because I'm angry that this happened, and that it could happen to me or my best friend or my girlfriend or so many other people I love. I cry because I am hurt that so many people out there hate me without even knowing me. I cry because, despite still being nervous about coming out to people or buying a lesbian magazine at Weaver Street or having a rainbow sticker on my car, I took Chapel Hill for granted; I thought I was safe here. I thought that the population -- one that breeds "liberal" students, sells out a show featuring a drag king, and elects the first openly gay mayor in North Carolina in Carrboro and an openly gay town council member in Chapel Hill -- was a very accepting one. I wasn't nervous walking down Franklin Street at night holding my girlfriend's hand, or giving her a kiss goodbye at a bar. Now I probably will be. I cry because I can't let that nervousness stop me from doing anything; I am more determined now to be out and visible than ever, because otherwise they will have won. I will do it for victims of hate crimes everywhere -- hell, for victims of gay-bashing and slurs everywhere. I cry because when my boss asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't tell her, because gay is a strong part of who I am now, but it is just a part, and I didn't want her to see me as that one issue. Because I am questioning whether or not to post this, because I don't want anyone who reads to think that all I write about is queer stuff, or to get sick of hearing about it.

More than anything, I cry because, not too long ago, I wouldn't have been nearly this upset. I would have thought it was a shame, like when a Sikh I know was beat up last year in a hate crime. I would have been appalled and angry, but not enough to do anything about it. I would have forgotten shortly and gone on with my life, and the only difference now is that I realized that I am part of the target population. It took me becoming one of them to truly care. I cry because I still don't know much about which rights I have (although I do know that my boss legally needs no reason to fire me other than me being a lesbian), because so far I haven't needed to use any of them, and so I haven't even bothered to check. I cry because I realize now how utterly important allies are to the movement -- and how ignorant I have been of other, important movements for so long -- those for women, blacks, immigrants, the Afghan people, the Iraqi people, victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, AIDS victims, etc etc etc. I've essentially ignored them because I thought they didn't affect me, when in reality they are movements that affect us all.

I cry because I know my energy can only go so far, and I can't get bogged down in depressing statistics. I cry because I'm not sure where to go from here. But I do know that I will be at the vigil for the victim of Thursday night's hate crime, tomorrow at 6 p.m. in the Pit, with a march to the place on Franklin Street where it happened afterward. Hope to see you there.

Date:	2005-02-26 21:36
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

So I'm at a table tonight and two people (relatives of members) are talking about Deepak Chopra (famous spiritual author/guru guy), and his philosophy on mindfulness and transcending the body and whatnot. And I start to get really irritated, because I'm thinking about how rich these people are, and how incongruent that is with a true spiritual path. It's my gut reaction, but am I just being judgmental? Attempting to practice mindfulness myself, I was able to get past my irritation at them personally, but it's still an issue that bothers me.

Most of the people in this country who are involved in "spirituality," Buddhism, meditation, etc. -- though not religion per se -- are very privileged, myself included. That's why they have time to think about this stuff, and that's why they have the resources to find out about it, to buy books, to attend retreats, etc. I definitely don't believe that low-income people can't be involved in it, I just think they are less likely to, from what I've seen. To me, getting in touch with my spiritual side always brings an awareness of the interconnectedness of the whole human race, and the entire planet even. We are all part of the same

i went to one of the most fratastic bars around tonight and didn't come out of it feeling like a speck of dust on the ground. i -- FINALLY -- didn't fucking care about what everyone thought. i am who i am. they are who they are. live and let live. and i didn't need anyone's approval or acceptance, and it felt so good, especially when compared to how i used to be not so long ago. i listened to candace tell funny stories (sometimes scary too -- like how she got over "that whole drinking and driving thing" by realizing that it's all mind over matter) and we people-watched and i had a couple drinks and a good time. and nothing better to top it off than listening to my new le tigre cd. somehow at a time when i have no faith in protests and no hope left to be anti-war activist-y, they take a bunch of protest chants and turn them into a song that makes me go, "hell yeah!" the show last night totally fucking rocked (though i'm not sure if i enjoyed the band or the crowd more); thank you collin for one of my best christmas presents ever.

tomorrow i have an interview for a job for which i didn't apply, and which i'm not sure if i want to take. but i'm going to attempt to go to the interview with the same attitude of being myself, and see if we'd make a good fit from there.

breathing in, i love you all. breathing out, i smile.

these past few days have made me reminisce about the days when my famliy and i both thought i was straight, and all i had to hide from them was a few drunken escapades and a few bitter feelings. when i had fewer things waiting to drop like bombs on the perfect image my parents have of me, and of my future -- perfect in their eyes. if i had (or wanted) a lucrative career at an established for-profit company with benefits and job security, it wouldn't be so hard. if i wanted to get married and have kids and a two-car garage in the suburbs, it wouldn't be so hard. if i still enjoyed shopping with my mom and still liked (or least pretended to like) most of the jewelry and clothing she picked out for me, it wouldn't be so hard. it wouldn't be so hard for me to tell them i'm gay.

because, for the record, i do identify more on the lesbian side of the spectrum these days, although i still hate any label/box.

but despite the difficulties of being out to myself and not being able to be out to my family just yet, i wouldn't give up the self-knowledge i've gained over the past year for anything. all those cheesy things you hear about coming out being liberating and all that? it's true.

my mother is going to have some things to deal with down the road. we're talking to leigh about her wedding and my mom starts making comments about my wedding and hopefully it won't cost much because when i get married i'll probably want to do it on the beach somewhere, and i'm saying, "that's if i get married mom, not when," and she just kind of ignores me and then leigh says, "well yeah, the beach in hawaii would be nice..." and i could hug her and hit her at the same time. then we're in the build-a-bear store and my mom says she thinks i need kids soon because of the way i treat ralph and when i finally (after a million times) get it into her head that i'm not ever planning on having a baby come out of my body, she looks like she's about to cry. she wants to have grandkids, and for some reason from me specifically not just from adam, and adoption is only okay after i have at least one of my own, because i'll want to pass on all my good qualities, she says, and when i'm married my husband and i will want to have a baby that's from both of us, she says, looking like she's going to cry.

Date:	2005-02-20 00:16
Subject:	so my mother's here...
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

i predicted so many things. i predicted that, as much as i wanted to at times, i shouldn't cut my hair again before seeing her because she would like it how it is (she loves it). that she would be impressed with "my" having cooked (thanks rachel) and tidied up my room, even if she knew it was because she was coming. that she would be unimpressed at how dusty my shelves are, because i didn't have time for that part of the cleaning. that she would make a comment tinged with dismay about the picture in my hallway that was a gift from collin and which i love so much. that she would make a comment filled with dismay about my unshaven legs if she saw them. that she would mention both my weight (actually a positive remark this time) and my future plans/career goals (within the first hour of her arrival). that she would find some "projects" to work on while here -- so far it's my dishwasher (she's running vinegar in it to make it clean better -- didn't predict that one), my calloused feet (we bought foot scrub and a pumice stone today), cleaning the stovetop elements (predicted), trying to fix the screen door (predicted), bleaching the shower (predicted) and the kitchen sink (didn't predict). that she would compliment the outfit i wore today, especially the shirt. that preparing for her visit in the ways i do would make her happier and me have to deal with many fewer unwanted comments from her this weekend. (does that outweigh the discomfort i feel?)

i predicted so many things, but i didn't predict that she would tell me that she'd met "the perfect guy for me," who happens to be the optician at a wal-mart in florida. and for the life of me, i can't predict how she'll react to my coming out.

tonight we watched "the notebook," which she adores. of course she adores it; the moral of the story is to leave your stable, loving relationship for your more passionate former relationship, which is exactly what she did, and it is all hollywood and shows none of the negative consequences. i found it depressing because of the scenes with the old couple dealing with dementia, which reminded me of some of the couples at work, who don't have the benefit of being able to miraculously die at the same time in one another's arms, but instead have to slowly watch their partners fade away mentally before their eyes, until they are complete strangers in the eyes of their partners.

also today: we went to my workplace; to the folk art festival at fearrington (where the art seems to be getting more and more alike); took a nap in the car by jordan lake (i didn't know you could go swimming there; must do the in summertime!); ate at elmo's; and went to university mall, where she loved southern season (even though she can't afford a thing there and it makes me want to scream) and where we were in cameron's and on the way out i saw two bumper stickers: "sure mom, gay can mean happy" and "daddy's little bull dyke." i bolted before i laughed out loud and before she could see them.

on a more positive note, my mom loves me. i love my mom. she has the best intentions in the world. she brought two books for me that are from the self-help section -- this when i'm finally able to get *off* my anti-depressants. (maybe she's trying to prevent a rebound?)

----

"closeted" is not in my phone's text messaging dictionary. neither is "carpool." clearly my phone is not progressive enough.

----

sorry for the negativity. i will try harder to be forgiving and grateful.

"When I want dark, depressing thoughts about alienation and nothingness, I watch cable news." --a guy on "The West Wing," which I watched for the first time ever on Wednesday with Rebecca, and actually enjoyed as an intelligently funny show!

hopefully will write more (of substance) soon...

mom's coming to visit tomorrow (eek!)